Why You Need to Stop Judging Your Partners Based on Their Sexual Past
We all know the feeling… You’ve been dating someone for a while, and you’ve heard about ex’s, and you can’t stop wondering. How many people? What did you do? What was it like? These are questions you may ask yourself when confronted with your partners sexual history, but you shouldn’t be worried about these things at all… It's normal to be curious about your partner's sexual past.
The main thing to know and understand is: you’re not entitled to know about the details of anyone’s sex life. Whether it’s your partner or otherwise! Other than their sexual health status – there’s really no need to dive into their past. Consider why you want to know about it and whether it’s healthy and productive for your relationship. It can be fun to hear about their sexual escapades and discuss yours too! It can help you speak more openly about your fantasies and kinks, as well as what you don’t like.
So, if you’ve considered that and you're still thinking about bringing it up, here’s a few things to think about before you do!
We all have one
Judging your partner because of their past is something that is very common, whether it’s said to them or just thoughts in your head. People may do this because they are insecure within themselves or just because they are curious and don’t like the feeling of the unknown. It’s important to remember that everyone has a past, sexual or not, and it’s always going to be there, you can’t change that, if you're going to be with somebody for the rest of your life (or just long enough to coexist), then maybe it's time to stop judging your partners' sexual pasts.
Sex is a way to connect with someone, its not just about physical pleasure, and the body: it’s also about the mind, sex is an expression of yourself as a person and your relationships with your partner. When you judge someone else’s sexual past, you are judging their mind, what they think about themselves and their bodies, it can be damaging for everyone involved in any type of relationship.
It’s normal to be curious… But how do you bring it up?
It's normal to be curious about your partner's sexual past and if you really can’t resist bringing it up, then you need to make sure that everyone involved is comfortable speaking about it.
If you feel like your partner might not be up for sharing details of their past, there are a few ways to approach the conversation. You can ask them if they want to talk about it - or just wait until they bring it up on their own. If they seem hesitant and don't want to discuss things further, don't push them! It may take some time before they feel comfortable enough to share their own experiences. It’s not your business to know the details of your partners sexual history and it’s not healthy to pressure them into telling you anything they don’t want to.
There’s a time and a place. Don’t bring it up if you’re drunk or tired, you don’t want them to regret saying something later because of their state at the time. It’s best to ask in a neutral setting, not over dinner or out with friends, make sure there aren’t any distractions around that could lead to an awkward moment between you or anyone else who may be listening!
Don’t ask without being prepared for the answer, sometimes it’s not going to be nice to hear, but if we focus on judging instead of understanding why certain things happened then we will never truly be able to understand and meet our partner’s needs. A great way to start this conversation is by asking ‘do you have any questions for me?’ Letting them know you are also open to being asked so they don’t feel this is one sided. Try not to bring names into it, questions like ‘what do I need to know about your past’, ‘how can I make sure our relationship is healthy’ or asking if there’s anything from their past that bothered them or made them uncomfortable are the best way to approach this topic without making it too personal.
Their past is not an indication of their future
Don’t forget that there is no such thing as a normal sexual past, sexuality is a spectrum not a binary, you can’t judge someone’s sexual past because you don’t know what they’ve done, you can only judge from their actions in the present.
If your partner has regrets about their past sexual experiences, it can be hard for them to tell you, you might have noticed that they are uncomfortable talking about something or reacting in a certain way when you bring up something related to their sex life (or lack of) it’s important that you respect their feelings and don’t push them into sharing more than they are comfortable doing. If your partner is open with you about this part of their life, then great! But if not, don’t take it personally, they may just need some time before they feel comfortable enough with you to share these details of themselves with someone else again.
The fact they’ve had sex with other people doesn’t mean they’ll have sex with other people in the future. Sex isn’t a reflection on your relationship or on either partners character, its simply something people do when they’re attracted to each other and sometimes those attractions don’t last forever (or even past the next morning). What matters most is how well you get along with each other now, not what happened in their dating history, what people did before meeting you isn’t important because it wont change who they are now.
So here is your friendly reminder that your partners sexual history has no bearing on what you two have together right now.
If you’re looking for a long term relationship, it’s important to remember that your partners sexual past is not evidence of what their future will be, it should be kept in mind that everyone has different preferences when it comes down to sex. It’s good to be wary and careful for yourself and your health, but that’s no reason to judge, remember sex is about connection and intimacy between two people, so you shouldn’t judge someone based on something so personal to each individual.
Its easy to judge other people but this doesn’t help you heal or grow as an individual or as a couple. The best thing you can do is focus on what is important to you as a couple and trust in your partner to be honest and open with you about their past.